7 Tips to Cope with Your Child’s Need to be “Perfect”

Fitting in While Standing Out: 7 Tips to Cope with your Child’s Need to be “Perfect” in a Win-at-All-Costs World

This amazing guest post is by Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman.

It was one of those moments when your mouth just hangs open. Joanne, mother of Tina, age 6, wrote to me in disbelief. “My daughter’s cheerleading coach told her that she needs to slim down if she wants to be a winner. Tina just cried. When I spoke to the coach she told me, ‘these girls need to be able to fit into these cute little outfits. (She showed me one). There is nothing cute about bulges and bumps on six year old girls…even if you call it baby fat.”

Sports can be a wonderful way for children to grow, learn, and develop as individuals, teammates, and leaders. But as parents, coaches, and educators we need to be very careful. Our weight-related behaviors, assumptions, and comments can have an incredible effect on a child’s body esteem, health, and long term feelings of self worth. Both boys and girls of every weight group can be affected.

With girls, involvement in aesthetic sports like gymnastics, figure skating, cheerleading, dance, and swimming, can have an impact on a child’s body esteem if coaches or parents are insensitive about looks and weight. Attire can be revealing, competition can invite body-oriented comments, involvement can be contingent on “fitting” a certain stereotype, and high scores can be dependant on body size and weight.

Plenty of parents have come to me after their instructor told them that their child didn’t have the right body for ballet or the coach told them that “chubby girls don’t win competitions.” Others have told me of the embarrassment their children face when their weights are posted in front of everyone in the spirit of “dieting by peer pressure.”

Girls have complained about their fear of getting their period because they feel that their chosen sport frowns upon curves and breasts. Many admit to weight loss strategies even at a young age. Pressure to “fit in” to the perfect body standard can be linked to improper dieting, over-exercising, delayed physical maturation, laxative use, purging (vomiting), and eating disorders.

Boys can suffer from poor body esteem just like girls. Involvement in weight class competition sports like wrestling and boxing, contact sports like football or hockey, or weight sensitive sports like cycling or running can invite body scrutiny. A child might learn from teammates that rapid weight loss is customary in preparation for a weight-class-based competition. Boys participating in contact sports might feel pressure to “bulk up.” Still others involved in weight sensitive sports like cycling or running, in which low weight can give you a competitive-edge, may feel pressure to senselessly diet or use performance-enhancing drugs to keep up. Some coaches may not know what’s going on or simply choose to turn the other way.

As parents, what can we do?

(1) Evaluate your own thoughts: Do you have a “win-at-all-costs” attitude?

If so, you may be sending a message to your child that s/he needs to do whatever it takes to win, even if that means unnecessary dieting, bulking up, or using performance-enhancing drugs. Keep winning in perspective and remember the real reason your child is involved in sports.

(2) Talk to your child:

Be sure s/he understands your feelings about winning-at-all-costs and the dangers that can invite. Put “perfect” in perspective. Let your child know that if s/he ever feels pressured to alter his or her body in any way, to come talk to you.

(3) Interview the coach:

Whether you are dealing with an after-school program or an in-school extra-curricular, you have a right to interview the coach privately. You might ask the coach about his or her opinions regarding weight, weigh-ins, dieting, uniforms, winning, puberty, nutrition, performance-enhancing drugs, and coaching philosophy. How does s/he convey his or her views to the children?

(4) Build character:

If you start teaching character-building skills while your children young, they will take those lessons of self-respect, assertiveness, leadership, and confidence with them into any activity they do. Teach these lessons at home and find a sports program or activity program that integrates character education into their lesson plans each week. This way, your children will understand that sports are more about building character than about fitting into the ideal body type.

(5) Avoid Comparisons:

As parents and coaches we need to be careful of comparing our children’s body shapes and weights to others. Our children should be focused on making themselves better rather than being thinner or more muscular than someone else. Every child matures at a different rate. Maturation invites weight gain that is both normal and healthy. When we compare our children based on body size and shape it can be both hurtful and destructive.

(6) Talk to a doctor:

If a coach has asked a child to get on a special diet of any kind, speak to your pediatrician or pediatric nutritionist. Children need a certain number of calories, protein, fluid intake, carbohydrate, and vitamins for normal growth and health.

(7) Ensure developmental sensitivity:

If your pubescent daughter is involved with an activity in which the “perfect body” for competition is thought to be a prepubescent one, be sure that her coach is sensitive to normal maturation changes. Similarly, if your son is involved in a sport in which the “ideal body” is a mature muscular one, be sure that the coach is sensitive to varying rates of growth and body types. How is body size and shape handled in these situations? How are children made to feel when it comes to these maturational factors that they can not control?

There is a wide array of sports and activities for children of all ages. Many sports and after-school centers offer wonderful programs with long-lasting benefits. A great coach can be a mentor, a friend, a leader, and an inspiration. However, children are impressionable. Even subtle messages about weight and shape in these athletic arenas can impact our children’s behavior, body esteem and feelings of self worth. Doing a little preventative homework and being clear about your own views can ensure a positive experience for everyone.

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a child and adolescent development specialist, success coach and body image expert whose programs and services are used worldwide. Known as “The Character Queen,” she’s the creator of the Powerful Words Character Toolkit, a program that’s being used in over 500 of the most progressive children’s activity centers, daycares, and families. Her positive, solution-based approach makes her a favorite among parents and educators. Dr. Robyn coaches and presents to progressive organizations, families, educators, entrepreneurs and corporations. Go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com to sign up for a free coaching session with Dr. Robyn or go to http://www.DrRobynsBlog.com or http://kissmyassets.com for more great articles and information.

*This article was first published in Bay State Parent Magazine

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6 Responses to “7 Tips to Cope with Your Child’s Need to be “Perfect””

  1. Stephanie Johnson
    May 8, 2008 at 5:03 pm #

    I could easily relate to the article by Dr. Robyn Silverman after being in a similar situation myself. I recently resigned from classical ballet lessons after 17 years worth of classes, becuase I could no longer cope with the pressure of conforming to the ‘ideal’ body shape. The competativeness in the ballet world is astounding, but you have to play the game in order to be successful.
    I think this article makes some excellent points towards the side of sport we rarely hear about- the competitativeness and the pressure to conform.
    It shouldn’t have to be like this.

  2. Angie100
    May 16, 2008 at 6:35 pm #

    This article provides a startling insight into the world of sport. Being a parent, it makes me wonder what is going on in my kids’ sport teams, and I thank Robyn for her terrific advice. I am wondering what could be done to aleviate this problem, because like Stephanie, I too agree that sport shouldn’t be about competion, winning and conforming, it should be about fun and sportsmanship.

  3. Britax Marathon CS
    May 30, 2009 at 7:39 am #

    Winning is not important, it is how you play the game. There are two sides of sports, winning and losing. When playing for a certain sport, the child must experience fun to enjoy the game.

  4. Vanessa Van Petten
    June 1, 2009 at 12:49 pm #

    totally agreed!

    Thanks for reading and good luck!


  5. Jenna
    April 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    perhaps the most important part of playing the game is learning how to lose but it’s pretty difficult for young ones.


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