My mom is hot.
Yes, my friends have told me so, guys behind the airline counter have told me so, and you can tell by looking at her slim figure, blonde hair and pearly whites that she is a man magnet… a-big-giant-awkward-situation-with-creepy-waiters magnet.
My mom is now on JDate. Over the past ten days I have gotten frantic emails, calls, texts, yells from downstairs and IMs (actually my mom can’t IM, but she would if she could I am sure) on how to maneuver the seemingly impossible website that is JDate.
I mean, I love my mom, but she often gets her word documents confused with her email application, so you can only imagine last Sunday afternoon when we tried to get her set-up on this site. You would have thought I was teaching her to program the fifth algorithm into the 3rd version of fractals (I don’t even know what that is, that’s how hard this was).
Well, I am being a little harsh, but knowing the difference between a ‘flirt’ a ‘click’ and a ‘message’ couldn’t be that hard could it?
“no, no, mom you just ignore the IM, don’t talk to him he looks creepy…no, no hit ‘I do not accept’…an IM is an instant message…no, not an email…yes like a short email message?…come on mom you are embarrassing me, I am a pro-blogger here and you do not know what an IM is?”
Can I also just mention the horrendous process of trying to take pictures for this damn thing. They had to be cute, but not cutesy, hot, but not over the top, sensual but not sexual, pretty but not fake. My boyfriend and I served as her crew: me with make up, hair, lighting, moral support and pose consulting and my boyfriend as the suckered in photographer.
It only took 135 photos…then 90…then 20….then 4 (you would think picking 4 profile pictures is truly an art). I must say though, the final product is stupendous. And Jdate is very easy to work and my mom is actually…gasp…having a good time!
So, we look through 35 emails within the first 24 hours and narrow down 6 Matzah Ballahs (nice Jewish guys), with some cute potential. Great, we narrow it down, I show her where the “Deny” button is, how to look at profiles and let her surf for some ‘matches.’ I leave the house with the parting words…”no one short, no one creepy, and no one younger than me” ok, she knew I was kidding on the last part.
Give my mom 1 hour. 1 HOUR!
And, my mom becomes majorly offended by what the JDate (computerized, non-personal, not-a-big-deal) formula would suggest as a good match for her.
Mom: “How Could They!?…This guy is so not my type, ughh, why doesn’t JDate know that? He is not even in my age range, he is in your age range, gross!”
Vanessa: “mom it’s not personal, its like a formula they are just giving you as many matches as they can within the LA area.”
I now know the single worst job in the world is the JDate webmaster.
Can you imagine a bunch of horny, desperate, single, kvetching Jewish people (I have been on JDate before so I’ll include myself because I actually loved every minute of being on the site) trying to complain to the webmaster that something is not working on the site?
Not only has my mom managed to find the “contact us” button (shocker!), but she has also managed to lodge a complaint. Of course, my mom’s problem did not fit into any of the 6 normal categories. She does not have a technical problem like other normal horny Jewish singles—you know, forgot a password, can’t log-in, wants to change a payment method.
No, my mom emailed the JDate webmaster (a true Matzah Ballah) to tell him that she did not like the matches JDate was giving her, and specifically they need to all be taller and not the age of her 22 year-old daughter, ‘I do not like sharing men with someone I birthed’.
Leave. It. To. My. Mom. To lodge a complaint with the webmaster that she cannot find a possible match that lives up to her expectations (never mind that she is going to have to find one of the four Jewish men in the world who are taller than her required 6’2).
Latke points to the webmaster who wrote her back a nice note explaining that she should try to set her preferences to be more direct. Oy, this post now has no point other than to rant about my poor mama. She is fairing well and has finally figured out how to maneuver the site without me having to log-in remotely to show her where the preference bar is. (Latke points to me for always being willing to do it)
I guess I can write another part II about the ridiculous…I seriously mean ridiculous responses and ‘flirts’ my mom has gotten. I made some rules for my mom to put on her profile (which I helped her write and she let me describe her as persnickety…which she argued with, then she emailed the webmaster about JDate’s algorithm and I won that argument).
Latke points give you an extra umph and might even qualify you to be on my mom’s Matzah Ballah category.
1. If you have a comb over, do not contact my mom.
(Latke points for hair)
2. If you cannot spell opportunity (not oppartunitey), do not contact my mom.
(Latke points if you finished school)
3. If your eye level is at her belly button, do not contact my mom.
(Latke points for above 6’0)
4. If you see psychics, do not contact my mom.
(No latke points, just don’t see a psychic)
5. If you reference your mom’s compliments to yourself in your profile, do not contact my mom.
6. If you do not like involved 22 year-old daughters, do not contact my mom.
(Latke points if you read my blog)
7. If you have a blurry picture, that is also half in the dark, looked like it was put through the wash three times before you scanned it in and is the sorriest excuse for a picture I have ever seen, do not contact my mom.
(Latke points for not sending in your College Graduation picture)
8. If your job description is ‘free spirit,’ do not contact my mom.
9. If you use the word ‘sugar baby’ in any of your messages, do not contact my mom (I just vomited in my mouth).
10. If you say that you are ‘sexual’ in your profile, do not tell me you contacted my mom (I really just vomited in my mouth just then).
11. And lastly, if you look like Santa Claus, do not contact my mom
I am sure she would comment on this post if she could and tell everyone I am lying, but she probably does not know how…mom I challenge you? (she reads my blog). I love you mom! For real, my mom better find a nice guy, and I better like him, or all of you will be hearing about it…
Part II? (if my mom even lets me after this post)