Disclaimer: If I sound bitter in this post, I am not; I am just being blatant for the humor benefit of my readers. If you are a mommy mobber, I expect a rebuttal in the comments.
This seems like an extremely stressful phenomenon and I always felt bad for my mom who would be excluded from planning the school choral concert because she doesn’t drive for field trips or something crazy like that.
I was speaking to a few moms about this the other day and she told me:
“I am judged by my cupcakes.”
What the you-know-what! No one should be judged by the quality of their baked goods or how many teacher aid hours they can rack-up!
I don’t really know what it is like to keep up with the mommy mob, but I can tell you what it is like from the kid’s perspective.
Here is my list for you mommy-slackers, or just normal mommies about why the mommy mob sucks.
1. We Find the Mommy Mob Just As Annoying As You
They might be really perky and overly saccharine when you see them in the parent pick-up line after school, but let me tell you Mommy Mobbers are real you-know-whats when no other parents or teachers are looking. They are like on Purell patrol 24-7.
2. Their Kids Are Part of the Kid Mob
Mommy mob daughters and sons are just as annoying. And they throw around their parent’s weight like you wouldn’t believe and no one likes them. They say snobby and uncool things like
“I should get first pick of glue sticks because my mom raised the money to buy them.”
“I am going to win the magazine drive because my mom planned it.”
3. Their Cupcakes Are Not Better
Ok, so maybe your scrapbook has some glue on the edges and isn’t color-coded by age and child. It is more homegrown. We like sloppy cupcakes and brownies without vegetables hidden inside them (thank you Jessica Seinfeld).
4. The Mommy Mob is Mean
“Sweetie, your mommy shouldn’t have gotten you that awful haircut, next time tell me and we will book a haircut for you during one of our play-dates”
Ok, first of all (this was actually said to me) you just insulted my mother and me. You told me I have an ugly haircut…and that my mom has bad taste. Mommy Mobbers are passively aggressively mean and they suck.
5. Mommy Mobbers are No Fun
Have you ever had a Mommy Mobber wipe your face with a baby wipe after you just ate fat-free frozen yogurt (it never tastes the same BTW)? Well, I have and they are always on like caffeine steroids and wiping you at super speed and end up getting half of the faux-lemon scented wipes in your mouth. Can I say ew? Anyway, they are no fun, they are always in a rush to make pot roast from scratch or something like that and pretend to be in a good mood when your parents come to pick you up. As I said before, no fun, they suck.
6. Mommy Mobbers are Robbers
(I had to do this one because it rhymed). But really, mommy mobbers rob you from normalcy. Whenever you go over to a mommy mob house, you know what it is like? It’s like going to a museum. You can’t touch anything, they make you eat hummus and fruit (ew when you are little) and then brag when your parents come to pick you up about how they snuck cauliflower into your snack. Little do they know that you fed it to their dog, and he is going to have horrible (and smelly) gas later.
Don’t be in the Mommy Mob, don’t be jealous of the Mommy Mob and do not let the Mommy Mob get to you!