6 Ways the Mommy Mob Sucks: “My Cupcakes Are Better Than Yours”

Disclaimer: If I sound bitter in this post, I am not; I am just being blatant for the humor benefit of my readers.  If you are a mommy mobber, I expect a rebuttal in the comments.

Are you struggling to keep up with the mommy mob?  You know, those women who are president of the PTA, team soccer mom, Girl Scout troop leader and volunteer in the library?

This seems like an extremely stressful phenomenon and I always felt bad for my mom who would be excluded from planning the school choral concert because she doesn’t drive for field trips or something crazy like that.

I was speaking to a few moms about this the other day and she told me:
“I am judged by my cupcakes.”

What the you-know-what! No one should be judged by the quality of their baked goods or how many teacher aid hours they can rack-up!

I don’t really know what it is like to keep up with the mommy mob, but I can tell you what it is like from the kid’s perspective.

Here is my list for you mommy-slackers, or just normal mommies about why the mommy mob sucks.

1.    We Find the Mommy Mob Just As Annoying As You

They might be really perky and overly saccharine when you see them in the parent pick-up line after school, but let me tell you Mommy Mobbers are real you-know-whats when no other parents or teachers are looking.  They are like on Purell patrol 24-7.

2.    Their Kids Are Part of the Kid Mob

Mommy mob daughters and sons are just as annoying.  And they throw around their parent’s weight like you wouldn’t believe and no one likes them.  They say snobby and uncool things like

“I should get first pick of glue sticks because my mom raised the money to buy them.”

Or

“I am going to win the magazine drive because my mom planned it.”

Or

“I get to go on the monkey bars first because my mom will leave you at school for the field trip next week.”
…I told you, they suck.

3.    Their Cupcakes Are Not Better

Ok, so maybe your scrapbook has some glue on the edges and isn’t color-coded by age and child.  It is more homegrown.  We like sloppy cupcakes and brownies without vegetables hidden inside them (thank you Jessica Seinfeld).

4.    The Mommy Mob is Mean

“Sweetie, your mommy shouldn’t have gotten you that awful haircut, next time tell me and we will book a haircut for you during one of our play-dates”

Ok, first of all (this was actually said to me) you just insulted my mother and me.  You told me I have an ugly haircut…and that my mom has bad taste.  Mommy Mobbers are passively aggressively mean and they suck.

5.    Mommy Mobbers are No Fun

Have you ever had a Mommy Mobber wipe your face with a baby wipe after you just ate fat-free frozen yogurt (it never tastes the same BTW)?  Well, I have and they are always on like caffeine steroids and wiping you at super speed and end up getting half of the faux-lemon scented wipes in your mouth.  Can I say ew?  Anyway, they are no fun, they are always in a rush to make pot roast from scratch or something like that and pretend to be in a good mood when your parents come to pick you up.  As I said before, no fun, they suck.

6.    Mommy Mobbers are Robbers

(I had to do this one because it rhymed).  But really, mommy mobbers rob you from normalcy.  Whenever you go over to a mommy mob house, you know what it is like? It’s like going to a museum.  You can’t touch anything, they make you eat hummus and fruit (ew when you are little) and then brag when your parents come to pick you up about how they snuck cauliflower into your snack.  Little do they know that you fed it to their dog, and he is going to have horrible (and smelly) gas later.

Don’t be in the Mommy Mob, don’t be jealous of the Mommy Mob and do not let the Mommy Mob get to you!

xxoo

Vanessa

10 Responses to “6 Ways the Mommy Mob Sucks: “My Cupcakes Are Better Than Yours””

  1. Shaping Youth
    June 21, 2008 at 12:52 pm #

    omg, Vanessa, I’m ROFL! (my teen’s texting speak for ‘you got it, baby!’) ;-)

    I call those peers über-moms.

    Often ‘desperate housewives’ and over-qualified corporate exiles struggling to keep their brains from going to mush, they can turn a ‘school silent auction’ into a freakin’ ebay takeover.

    Don’t get me wrong, we NEED those moms in our underfunded education system, without a doubt…but to me, there’s a big diff btwn. action and attitude, and you’ve nailed the ‘stuff’ that’s bugged me for eons.

    I made it a policy early on (after one PTA mtg. witnessing the dynamics) that my extensive school volunteering role would be ‘kids only, no adults’…and it’s served me well.

    That’s right. No mtgs., no committees, no coffee klatches, just ‘lead, follow, or get outta the way.’ (as the big dogs say)

    Far prefer to be told what the needs are, then ‘hands-off autonomy’ to ‘get ‘er done.’ (yes, I’m a mama maverick, quel surprise!)

    Mind you, my weekly playground duty role in K-5 birthed ‘Shaping Youth’ as it is today, by living lab observational notes, prompting me to research and film “Body Blitz: Media, Shaping but let me confirm your instincts…NONE of those ‘mobbers’ even NOTICED the dynamics goin’ down. Not a one.

    They’d be the ones who would volunteer alongside those of us who actually WATCH the kids, but wouldn’t notice if junior bonked on his head doin’ a triple-gainer off the monkey bars because they were too busy chatting up their peer posse.

    Ugh. Insert flood of memories here…

    Thanks for the smile, -Amy

  2. almostgotit
    June 21, 2008 at 2:27 pm #

    Ah! A soulmate.

    Just go out and buy the stupid cupcakes, and use the time you might otherwise have wasted baking them drinking margaritas instead.

  3. Ms.C
    June 22, 2008 at 6:29 am #

    Darling, you are *so* right. Belonging to the Mommy Mob is not cool. I am a mom of 4, and I am proud to not want to be in the Mommy Mob. You rock, my dear!

  4. Vanessa
    June 22, 2008 at 9:26 am #

    thanks guys!

    I support non-mommy mobbers.

    thanks for reading

    xxoo
    Vanessa

  5. Sandra Foyt
    June 23, 2008 at 7:30 am #

    Okay, I know you know that moms are a diverse bunch.

    And yes, it’s possible to volunteer and help out just because you want to help your community. I like knowing that I’m doing my best to have a positive impact in this world. Sickening, but true.

    Volunteering doesn’t have to be – it really shouldn’t be – about influencing people or winning friends.

    I’m a GS troop leader, Cub Scout helper, and although I’m homeschooling now, I volunteer at my other child’s school.

    1. Usually, I have a smile when greeting others, but I’m never especially perky, especially in the morning. Purell, well, we used it travelling in Vietnam, but that’s about it.

    2. Being the leader’s kids comes with a price. They end up having to give up their stuff, or let everyone else go first, etc. There is no preferential treatment.

    3. No one has ever judged me by my cupcakes, unless they wanted to compare grocery store brands.

    4. You can’t possible believe that all volunteering moms are mean. You’re not that stupid. (Okay, that was mean, but I’m not usually mean, I hope.)

    5. My kids would probably agree with you on the no fun thing. Even after a trip to Hershey Park, riding the world’s scariest roller coaster, followed by a 9-hour drive to the Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Factory for a scoop of ice cream. Yeah, I’m no fun. I’m a mom, after all.

    6. Okay, I see now that I can’t be a Mommy Mobber. My stinkin’ messy house, full of dog tracks and kid trails, is definitely not a museum. And we don’t serve snacks. It’s every kid for themselves when it comes to eating in this house.

    So, Vanessa, don’t you think it’s possible to help out in your community, and not be a “Mommy Mobber” as you define it?

  6. Vanessa Van Petten
    June 23, 2008 at 8:48 am #

    Sandra-

    I believe you just called me stupid:

    “4. You can’t possible believe that all volunteering moms are mean. You’re not that stupid. (Okay, that was mean, but I’m not usually mean, I hope.)”

    You are right it was mean and uncalled for. OBVIOUSLY, The entire reason I call them a mommy mobber is because they have the mentality of a MOB. Threatening others, being cliquish and not wanting the well being of a community. Mommy Mobber does not apply to genuinely helpful moms.

    I am not saying that all moms who volunteer are mean. I have mentioned many times that my mother was president of the PTA for goodness sake.

    What is hard for mothers I speak with and my own mom, were mothers who volunteer and hold it over other women’s head as if they are better than them.

    Vanessa

  7. Suzette
    November 22, 2008 at 9:28 am #

    Hey Vanessa,

    An observation missing from your great article is that most parents don’t volunteer at all, and it’s the usual suspects doing most of the work most of the time. Work, lack of time, or what ever the reason there’s always a high percentage of parents at every level of education that consider throwing in a box of store-bought cupcakes now and then is ‘volunteering’ .

    Yes, there are those parents using PTA or other volunteer positions as a stepping stone to become part of other serious community organization like school board member, but many, many more are the oil in the engine that keep schools, both public and private, humming along.

    We have our Mommy Mob in my small town too. We call them and their kids “The Pink Helmet Group” because they do everything together, and their daughters wear pink helmets when they ride their bikes to school … together. Makes me sick!!

    BTW, I wrote a bit about volunteering on my blog article “Time to Give Back”. I hope you’ll read it!!

    I wrote a bit about volunteering on my blog article “Time to Give Back”. I hope you’ll read it!!

  8. Vanessa
    November 26, 2008 at 8:46 am #

    Suzette

    you are right, far too few parents volunteer or participate in school events. I often find that the parents who should be coming in the most for meetings and speakers are never there!

    Vanessa

  9. Maggie
    May 28, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    I volunteer for school and even though I don’t do it ALL the time, I have noticed the ones who do this alot are in it for the perks of feeling like they can get away with doing stuff they shouldn’t. They will gossip and lie about other women that are prettier than them in such a way that nobody likes her and they ruin her child’s social life too. BUT because they volunteer, they can get away with it.

    Those type of suck up volunteers who want special treatment and always brown nose the teachers and engage in gossip are nothing more than narcissists not to be trusted.

    The volunteers that go because they care about the children and don’t make subtle hints that their child should be treated better or they don’t break school rules because they can get away with it are the more pleasant ones.

    Some of these volunteers are vindictive bitches that shouldn’t even be volunteers. Start weeding out based on their personalities too because these toxic types also like to keep out people that would be more suitable. To them it’s a game of conquest much like what you would expect from a psycho.

  10. Maggie
    May 28, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

    I get treated like some Sub-par volunteer for kids only approach.

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