Secret Bitches: 6 Types and How to Avoid Them

“You are really nicer than you look.”

secret-bitch-mean-girlsSomeone gave me this ‘compliment’ a few weeks ago and I was unsure how to respond.  She thought I was a secret bitch.

Secret Bitch n. A female (or overly feminized male) who acts extremely nice in person, but says mean things behind your back.

Here are a few different types of secret bitches (men should read this too!).  And for my parent readers, talk to your daughters about secret bitches and equip them with the tools to deal with them properly while they are still young!

1) Secret Bitch in Business

You know her.  She sits in the cube across from the bathroom and gives you a sickly sweet smile when you go into pee and then IM’s everyone that you have serious VPL’s (visible panty lines).  She can be a sweetheart by the coffeepot, but a ballbuster (not in the good way) in the boardroom.

Avoid: Being bitchy with her.  This is not a good tactic in the office.  And with secret bitches, bitching with her does not make you immune to her bitching.

Do: Keep your friendly distance.  I find that with a secret bitch in business, the best is to stay on her good side, but remain distant; you do not want to be around if and when the shit hits the fan that she wrote that anonymous email to your boss about the receptionist.

2) Secret Bitch in the Bar

This applies to all secret bitches you do not really know, but are in social situations with you.  You know, they are the ones who elbow you on the dance floor and say “oh, sorry” and then do it again.  Or nudge their way in front of you while waiting for a drink and flash you a grand smile.

Avoid
: Anything physical back.  Ok, learned this one the hard way.  Don’t elbow back.  They will do it harder.  Words are better than pushing or stomping on open toes with heels, because secret bitches are feisty…and probably good at bar fighting.

Do: Stand your ground.  If you get nudged by her pointy elbow, cut in line by her luscious golden locks or have your man get hit on (this is to you stupid bitches who hit on my boyfriend even when he is holding my hand) say something, glare back and keep your place in line!

3) Secret Bitch with the Boys

This also can be called a boy’s girl-whom I usually love.  These are girls who hang out with the guys, play touch football and drink beer to burp with the best of them.  Some of this I do (not the burping part) and I love tomgirls, but occasionally you will find a girl who is possessive of her male friends.  You start dating a guy, he wants you to meet his best friend (a girl) and she is all smiles at the three person lunch table, but as soon as you leave she is dropping hints to him about your clinginess, weird slanty eye and who knows what else.

Avoid: One-upping.  Do not try to one-up this girl by smooching your man more in front of her or challenging her memories with him.  If they are long-time friends, you are the one who might get muscled out.

Do: Find out what she wants. Does she just want a boyfriend of her own? Is she just afraid she is about to lose her best friend? Find out what she wants and address it right away.  Offer to introduce her to someone perfect, or thank her for taking your man off of your hands when you need some girl time…assure her you aren’t stealing him, you are just dating him.

4) Secret Bitch in the Family

These are the worse, because you are usually either related to them or are related to them by marriage.  Secret bitches in the family can be delicate and really annoying for reunions.

Avoid: Ignoring them.  If they are in the family, they probably are not going anywhere, so do not pretend they are not there or try to uninvited them from things.  This will only make them resent you more.

Do: Enlist their services.  Often times, if you make a secret bitch part of the team and feel needed, their need to be bitchy (fear, emotional insecurity, anger), disappears.  Ask them to make the turkey (because they make it best) or plan the slideshow at your cousin’s wedding etc.

5) Secret Bitch as a friend of a friend (or one of your kid’s friends)

Maybe your daughter has a secret bitch as a best friend or your sister’s college roommate has permanent PMS.  Either way, these kinds of secret bitches can inconveniently pop-up at your wine party (as your friend’s plus one) or along to the movies on your night off.

Avoid: Alienating the linker. The linker would be your sister, daughter or true best friend.  Do not put them in the awkward situation of choosing between you and her.  This will only make situations worse, especially if the linker mentions something to the secret bitch.

Do: Kill them with kindness.  Your linker has to see something in them right? I am always really really nice to these people, and eventually they have to come around.

6) Facebitch

This could be a man or woman who
a)    Defriends you even though you are clearly still friends
b)    Posts the WORST pictures of you ever
c)    Goes around writing nasty comments (or secret nasty comments) on your status, pictures and wall.  Ie. “Your hair looks so much better here!”

Avoid: Taking it too seriously.  This all comes from jealousy.  Typing and writing can always come out differently than intended.  Also maybe they didn’t mean to defriend you?

Do: Take down any pictures or comments that would make you look bad at work, school or with families.  Do no feel the need to leave semi-nasty comments up.

The most important thing to remember about any kind of secret bitch is to be careful with your trust or any personal information.  Especially for teens or college students, you never know when they might turn, and you do not want to be in a bad situation.  Also, bitchyness, never serves anyone well.  When in doubt, treat others the way you yourself would like to be treated.

Have your own suggestions and additions on this topic? I hope so! Of course, as always feel free to leave them in the comments.  But, I started the first editable parenting book on a wiki.  Here I am having you, my readers publish and edit my articles and add to them as they please:

-Like Wikipedia, but for parents!
-If you are a blogger, you can post link to your articles on the topic for other readers.
-Vote on your favorite advice
-See what teens think of your advice (they vote too!)

Check out the editable version of this article on Secret Bitches in our Wiki and other reader’s additions here!

This post is dedicated to Ben Gottlieb because I am so afraid that one day he is going to date a secret bitch because of his penchant for sassy girls.  Beware of the secret bitches Ben!

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  • http://www.onteenstoday.com Vanessa

    Great post.

  • http://www.onteenstoday.com Vanessa

    Another Great post!

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  • http://www.wiglingtonandwenks.com virtual worlds for kids

    interesting post!
    but how can i avoid or do something if I cant spot them?

  • Vanessa Van Petten

    you can spot them if you look for their passive agressive bitchiness and these signs above!

  • Jojo

    second that! Great post!

  • Vanessa Van Petten

    thank you so much!

    Vanessa

  • Heather

    Yeah, but what do you do if you’re hanging out with your boyfriend and his little brother and there are two girls starting at afar then has one come up and start talking to your man?! I was in a situation recently where this happened – it was very obvious they were scheming ahead of time. I shut my mouth and smiled although my boyfriend talked back to her, about dogs. This was at a dog park. They didn’t come with any dogs – obviously there to try and pick up guys. What’s the correct way to act in that setting and should I have expected my boyfriend to hold my hand? I don’t know – if you see two guys and one girl standing with each other – shouldn’t it be assumed one of those guys is with that girl? I felt disrespected – looking for a bitch category that one can go into.

  • Kylie

    Gee what to do if another friend took your friend have another fit ha ah

  • Kylie

    Gee u don’t know much about your period oo in your face