Recently, there was an article in the New York Times about the rise of teen dating abuse. I wanted to write a quick article about this to draw attention to the issue for parents.
Fortunately, I have not had any personal experience, nor have I known anyone to ever experience (or admit to experiencing) teenage abusive relationships. This does not mean that it is not a serious issue. The fact that I have not heard anything, with all of the teens I work with, makes me believe that it might be more secret than less prevalent.
One major trend I have seen is the obsessiveness that young couples can have. Here are some ideas to be aware of:
1) Low self-esteem causes different behavior
If teenagers, or anyone has low self-esteem it can cause them to be more desperate for connection or control. Teenagers, developmentally tend to have lower self-esteem as their bodies change. Low self-esteem can also cause couples to be more jealous and needy of each other, which can be a precursor to abuse.
2) Control can be addictive
I talk to teenagers all day long about what they are anxious about. Many of them feel very out of control and this scares them. Teens tend to rarely be in control; rather they are usually being controlled. They are controlled by parents, teachers, principles, counselors, coaches, colleges and bosses. What they can control is another teenager and this can over extension of control can be a form of abuse.
3) Control and monitoring is now easier
It is actually easy to smother someone without even realizing it. We can text, MySpace message, Facebook stalk, call, IM, BBIM, email or ping. I have often written about teens need to constantly be connected and abuse often stems from people needing to be connected to another more frequently. Smothering, which might not be abusive, but is abnormal nonetheless, is so much easier in a digital age.
4) Obsessiveness can go unnoticed
Because everyone is connected all the time, teens might not even realize how obsessed or compulsive they are with the other person. This allows the behavior to continue far longer and at a much higher rate than ever before.
5) Inequality breeds discomfort
This concept is nothing new. I have heard young couples talk about inequality in relationships. The idea of “who has the power” is something that teens today are much more aware of. It is the reason men wait 3 days to call a girl back (need to be the one with the power) and no one wants to say “I love you” first. This kind of thinking, can lead to abuse or unhealthy relationships.
6) Abuse does not only have to be physical
Abuse can be emotional, verbal, psychological or physical. This is an important idea to explain to new couples. Often times, someone in the relationship (see inequality above) feels uncomfortable, but is afraid to say anything because they think it is normal or would not qualify as abuse.
7) Lack of connection means they need more to connect on
The cotton candy friend epidemic is a huge issue because teens are not feeling as connected or intimate with their friends because all of their interaction is so superficial. This can make young people, who are starving for closeness, crave a smothering or obsessive relationship more than previous generations.
Please print out this article and discuss it with your kids or if your child is in a relationship, ask them to gauge their connection—this can be a great way for you to get to know your teens!
Have your own suggestions and additions on this topic? I hope so! Of course, as always feel free to leave them in the comments. But, I started the first editable parenting book on a wiki. Here I am having you, my readers publish and edit my articles and add to them as they please:
-Like Wikipedia, but for parents!
-If you are a blogger, you can post link to your articles on the topic for other readers.
-Vote on your favorite parenting advice
-See what teens think of your advice (they vote too!)
Check out the editable version of this article on Teen Dating Abuse and Obsessive Relationships in our Wiki and other reader’s additions here!
This post is dedicated to Anna Goslicka who has one of the most beautiful relationships with her husband and has listened to possibly hours or my own relationship issues with an open heart and the best advice.
If you like this blog…
If you have a second…
If you are just feeling generous…
Please vote for me on the Bloggers Choice Awards!
It takes two seconds to register and I am going for best parenting blog.
THANK YOU FOR READING, AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR VOTE!
Related posts:
- Summer Teen Internships ***We are now accepting teen internships during the school year...
- 6 Ways Teen Dating Has Changed [Teen Article] Renae is a 16-year-old from Lowell, MI. She is a...
- The Dating Scene: 6 Different Teen Relationships [Teen Article] Rachel is a 16-year-old born and raised in NYC. ...
- Rising Popularity of Prescription Drug Abuse Becca is a 16 year-old from West Palm Beach, FL....
- 6 Ways to Increase Youth’s Self-Esteem Self-esteem seems to be the nugget to all youth problems. ...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
{ 3 trackbacks }
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you so much for writing about this subject — it’s such an important topic.
Something else that contributes to teen dating abuse is teen alcohol abuse. Binge drinking in adults is defined as 4 or more for women and 5 or more for men, but teens are encouraged not to drink at all because of the critical brain development occurring until age 21 (and even until 25), yet recent Monitoring the Future surveys show 45% of 12th graders and 34% of tenth graders reported using alcohol in the past month, with 29% of 12th graders binge drinking and 22% of 10th graders doing the same. When you move onto college years, the numbers are even more staggering. What teens do not understand is that alcohol affects their developing brains differently than it does the brain of an adult’s (who has not been abusing alcohol).
The point is that abusive drinking leads to unplanned and unintended behaviors regardless of age (arguments, fights, sex), which in turn leave couples feeling confused, sad, contrite, desperate for forgiveness and angry. These feelings and a desire to “make it up,” can exacerbate some of the behaviors you’ve outlined above.
Thanks, again, for this post!
Thank you so much for this information!
I am a dad and we almost had this problem when one of our daughters started dating a real “ne’re do well”. It never came to the stage as shown in the picture.
My wife and I managed to convince our girl that this guy was a deadbeat. It is now history.
More parents should know and understand this problem.
It’s good that you put out there that abuse doesn’t always have to be physical. I see so many of these boys verbally abusing their girlfriends and no one does anything about it. Really messes up the girl’s self esteem.
Thank you for a great article!
Of course! It is an important topic that is for sure
Vanessa
I now understand that my ex girlfriend and her over obsession was actuly abuse. 8 Months of that. It got to that point because i let her and after a while it became normal to me.
Understanding-
Thanks for adding this, so happy you realized obsession can be unhealthy and dangerous.
Vanessa
this inspired our Public Sevice Announement for video class. such an important topic! thanks so much.
I feel so bad for you. God Bless you,at least you servived it many people dont
really??? That is sooo great, thanks!
V
hi im 13 and im really sorry i wish i could help
I’m 13 and I used to have a friend that was in an abusive relationship. We are no longer friends because she was the abuser and my best guy friend was the abusie. He broke up with her and now instead of physical abuse she is abusing him verbaly. She does the same thing to me even though I do my best to ignore her texts, but sometimes I just can’t put up with it and give her a peice of my mind. Although it never makes her stop it makes me feel better to tell her to back off because she isn’t going to get the reaction she wants out of me. My guy friend is alright now, but we had a little bit of a scare and were scared that he was permanently damaged. He started acting weird and so we had him talk to the counsiler and now it is ok. But I’m still worried that it could become physical again with them, or it could become physical with me and her. I just hope that the situation starts to die down once school starts.
Thanks for posting this because it is often conciderd a minor thing, but it isn’t.
I know someone in an abusive relationship but they refuse to seek help to get out. And i just happen to be writing a paper about teen abuse in journalism and stumbled across this article. How can I help her see that her partner dosen’t really love her like she beleives he does
If she is in danger, which it sounds like she is. You must get an adult involved so she knows how dangerous and serious this is.
Vanessa
my boyfriend cheats on my all the time then he beats me..yesterday he srached me then punched me in the arm and smaked me then threw a buket of cold water on me im only 17 years old and i just wanted to get this off of my cheast
Angel-
You need to ask for help. This is not your fault but you deserve better and I worry about your safety. Please tell someone you trust, a parent a counselor or teacher. ok ?
Vanessa
omg that is a shame like u need to get out of there now like ur face is a mess like who will do thaT TO U BUT IN YOUR FACE IT LOOK LIKE U LIKE IT OR SOME THING MMMMMMMMMMMMMM U NEED HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP
I thnk that you need to call a Teen abuse line! You shouldn’t live your life in fear! I knw I wouldn’t. I thnk that you need to talk to someone that you trust! If you don’t trust your parents like I don’t trust mine talk to your school counselor or take my advice and call a Teen Hotline! It helps when you are in need of help. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 16 and it suckd! I was beat and punched and eveythng else you could possibly imagine! Anyway I thnk that you should seriously seek out help!