“When I’m a big girl, I’m going to eat all the ice cream in the world and no one can stop me”
That was what my little sister said to me when I told her off for eating ice cream before dinner. Then she walked away, her hands clutched to her sides in anger and frustration. As I watched her, for the life of me I don’t know why, I burst into tears. I cried and cried until there were no tears left to cry.
My little sister’s growing up and she’s excited about that. Whenever I tell her off she always used the retort that she’ll do it when she’s older. It seems so far away but when I was younger I used to be like that; tired of being the responsible, sensible one, I wanted to grow up and be invincible. My dreams were filled with princesses, princes, fairies, angels you know all the typical girly stuff, my head was always in the clouds. I was in my own little world where everything was enough. But I always knew I wanted everything in life and when I grew up I would be who I wanted to be.
Growing up seemed so magical and exhilarating to me. I couldn’t wait!
Now? Well nowadays its a different question all together, fact is I don’t want to grow up. I’d rather be that sweet innocent little girl who used to play “Doctors and Patients” with her siblings. The little girl who actually believed anything and everything was possible.
When I look back on my life it strikes me that growing up is the hardest challenge I’ve faced. There are times when I say to myself I could have done it better, I could have changed that, I could have made it better.
Looking back on my life, I can say that I’ve honestly learnt a lot. When I was younger, I was the quiet, shy girl who was in some ways quite serious. I thought life was so easy, just a few more years and I can do what I liked. I guess I got that wrong.
When it was time to leave primary school, it was like a piece of my heart flew away with my class. I still remember how much I cried and how much I felt like hiding behind the tables and wishing I could stay. It was hard but I knew that life goes on, I could do it. I had to do it.
In Year 7, when I joined high school, I changed a lot. I truly thought life was all about FUN!!! I spent most of my school days disrupting the class and causing chaos with my two best friends. I remember eying everyone up in such contempt, not even knowing them, I judged them so unfairly and harshly. By the end of the year I was much calmer. I knew my boundaries and I stuck to them. My life lesson for that year was to never judge a book by its cover. Nobody’s perfect, I know that now.
It was in Year 8 when I realized I truly was growing up and I did not like it. One day my thoughts were filled with all my childhood memories and I broke up realizing nothing could bring back those precious moments. But I understood something special that day, even though I couldn’t bring back the moments, I’d always have the memories that would last forever…
That year I made friends with a girl who had the exact obsession as I did with a TV program, Charmed. We used to spend most of our days talking about it or writing about it, reading about it. Yeah, we were totally crazy about it. She left at the end of the year and yeah, I was upset but life goes on…
My life lesson for this year was to never hold on to someone because one day they might not be there…
Year 9 was a year that I had to face up to my problems. I realized who my true friends were and who wasn’t. There was this girl in my class who became my best friend, she was one of the people in my life who I truly trusted, who I thought I could rely on, who I had all faith in and when she betrayed me the first time around, it hit me hard. What hurt the most was not that she betrayed me but the fact she kept lying about it. In the end we ignited our friendship. I forgave her but then she did it again. I’m a big forgiver; I think everyone deserves chances in life so I forgave her once again. But then she did it again, no matter how much it hurt, I laughed out loud. I realized she wasn’t worth it. I think I’m the better person for walking away. She’s left school now and despite the fact that she thinks its okay to spread my life story around now, even two years later, there’s a part of me that genuinely cares for her and hopes one day she’ll find her happy zone… Life’s too short for grudges. To me it seems rather narcissistic for people to hold ongoing grudges that go on forever. People make mistakes but its part of human nature. Chances are what keep people going in life.
Anyway, that year I think was the most important; I had friends and other lovely people who helped me through a lot, but two friends in particular who picked me up when I was most down. Two amazing people I owe my life to and hope one day I could do the same for them. One of them has been my best friend since Yr 7 and up until now still is my best friend; we’ve faced all the bad times and all the good times together. She’s taught me an honest valuable life lesson, to NEVER care about what others think of me. She’s utterly amazing and as my best friend she’s my life but as I think of her as my sister, she’s my whole wide world…The other friend, well she’s what I would call “indescribable”, there’s no words to describe her. She’s the smart, sensible one, the one who will sit and listen to you for hours but never actually tell you how boring you are, she’ll help you in whatever you do everyday but she’ll never tell you to stop being a parasite, she’ll flash you that dazzling smile because its what she wants everyone to see but inside it might be a different story altogether. She’s the one everyone loves and I’m more than lucky to have her in my life. She truly is a remarkable person and she’ll always be my Miss No It All. I learnt quite a lot of life lessons that year but the most valuable would be was no matter how hard it gets, never give up…
Yr 10 was quite an interesting year, it was a year where I discovered who I was and what I needed to change about myself to become a better person. I was changing as a person and I accepted that whether it was emotionally or physically. I learnt to let go off my anger which even though I never showed, it had always been there. Last but not least I realized how much my parents mean to me. I had never really thought about I’d do without them, but as time went by I realized my parents are the ones who I love the more than anything in life. My sister and my friends are the shining stars in my life, my brothers are my rocks, but my parents are the sun and the moon, they give me my identity and together they shape who I am. My life lesson for this year was to listen, not only to my teachers and parents but also to everyone who cares.
Hmm…Yr 11…well I’m still getting through this year. My life lesson for this year or my resolution is to put my head down and study. Make the most of this year, get amazing grades and one day maybe I will be able to fly across the world’s biggest mountains and across the widest rivers…
I’m a stronger person because of the people in my life. I’ve spent my whole life crying over unworthy things. But now, I feel like I’m all cried out. Sometimes no matter how upset I am there’s no tears to be shed and I’m happy with that. Sometimes its good to cry, good to shout and scream at everything bad in life, but for me? I prefer to keep it on the low nowadays, no more late night crying into my pillow. I can happily say that I’m proud I don’t cry as much as I used to. (But when I do and can’t stop, it’s not a very pretty sight). Watching Titanic and mushy movies are an exception by the way.
My classmates are an essential part of my life so I feel I should mention them. They can annoy you till you feel like you’re going to go bonkers but they can also make you feel like you’re part of a big family. There are the ones who can’t stop giggling, the ones who can’t stop talking even though you feel you’re going insane and the ones who’s shrieks of delight you can hear from the other side of the school. There are times when we can’t stand each other but in the end we really are one big happy (but very complicated) dysfunctional family. I’ve spent nearly five years with them and together they fill all the spaces and corners in my heart.
When I look back on my life I know I’ve made friends that will last me a million years. I’ve learnt that at times life is going to be hard but I can get through it because everything and nothing happens for a reason. I’ve learnt to let go because nothing lasts forever. I’ve learnt to hold my head up high because nothings worth letting it down. I’ve learnt to appreciate people I wouldn’t have though twice about before. I’ve learnt how to trust when I didn’t know how to. I’ve learnt that it’s so easy to let yourself fall but to not, you’ve got to grab life with all you’ve got. I’ve learnt to have faith in all things possible But most of all I’ve learnt to believe. In Everything.
I can smile till it feels plastic, I can laugh till my tummy aches, I can cry till it feels like my heart is breaking, I can shout and scream as if I’m the happiest girl in the world, I can agonize till it drives me crazy, I can annoy you until you feel like throttling me, I can give you as much hugs as you want till you feel I’m squeezing your brains out, (Yuck) I can wish until I believe it’ll come true, I can hope till it seems so close I can taste it, I can dream like I’ll live forever. But that’s who I am. Period. I’m a dreamer, always have been and always will be…