Kaelyn is a 15 year old girl going on 16 who is from Corona, CA. She enjoys playing soccer, socializing with friends, and writing for her high school newspaper, The Husky Express. Her favorite subjects are Language Arts and Journalism because she wants to be a journalist when she grows up.
Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in the article.
As you read this article you will know that I am not a loose girl and that I’m on a constant run to find and receive love from any guy that cares enough to love me for however long. What you will learn from this story and me is that what I feel, sometimes, is just pure loneliness and that this is just the other side of me that I only share with a few people and no family members. What those few people know is that I, “color”, which is a metaphor used in the TV series, Sex and the City, as sex. Though I use the word, I don’t follow the metaphor with it. I just use the word as a way to disguise what I’m doing. And so my saga begins.
Before this all became of me, I used to just be a normal girl that got along with people, made friends, got teased and was sometimes questioned about who I was. My elementary school years consisted of 3 crushes: Scott Ackerman, Kevin McKinley and George Davis.
Scott was my biggest crush, having a crush on him until the 6th grade. I remember always thinking about him at school and at home. Sometimes he was the reason I woke up and went to school every morning. When he grew long hair in 6th grade, my feelings for him grew a little more until he cut his hair in 7th grade and I stopped liking him. For 4 years I threw hints to him that I had a crush on him but every time I threw a hint I wasn’t sure he fully understood how I felt for him.
Kevin was my crush from 3rd grade to when he left my school in the 2nd trimester of 5th grade. How I fell for him was for our love of soccer. Besides soccer we had much other things in common. As my feelings grew for him, I began having this urge to talk to him all the time all because I liked him and talking to him made me feel special inside. Somehow I managed to get his address and phone number and with that I started to write him letters and call him. It wasn’t till 8th grade, long after I liked him, that my mom told me that my letters to him were never sent. I wasn’t mad at my mom because I stopped liking him and that after he left I never saw him again.
George came into my life in the middle of 6th grade. I didn’t have a big crush on him but I had enough feelings to like him. Then there was one day that I’ll probably remember for a long time. It was a few weeks before graduation and our class was practicing for the softball game against the teachers. As a strict rule, we were suppose to keep are face and hands away from the fence that guarded us behind the plate to avoid balls and swinging bats. Once I was up to bat that rule seemed have to been broken. As the pitcher threw the ball under hand to me, I swung fiercely, as the bat slipped through my fingers as I was finishing the hit. I wasn’t aware that the bat flew in the air behind me and slammed against the fence, hitting George in the face. It was the scream in his voice that made me stop running as I turned around to see him on the ground with his hand covered over one of his eyes. I stood there shocked and helpless because I had injured my crush and all my classmates now hated me because I had hurt him. All I could do was sit next to my teacher as I was told to not practice with the team anymore since I have no control with a baseball bat. I sat and watched my class practice as guilt and sadness flew in my heart. I wanted to apologize to him because if I didn’t do it soon, the more upset I would be at myself. I decided to ask my teacher to use the restroom and as I walked threw the halls, passing the girls restroom and headed towards the nurses office. When I approached the door and slowly opened it there he was, with an ice pack over his eye and tears flowing down his face. I stared at him for a few seconds until the nurse caught me off guard asking what I was doing here. I lied and told her that my teacher wanted to know if George was alright when all I wanted to do was apologize to him. He seemed to stop crying and looked at me. I looked him in the eyes and said that I was really sorry for what I did and hope that he has a speedy recovery. As I took a breath I turned and headed out the door. From that day forward I never liked him again. Once I graduated 6th grade, I had the whole summer to prepare myself mentally for middle school and what it would bring me. Though I never imagined half the stuff I would really get myself in to.
My middle school years consisted of a lot of events but what really stood out was that I would do something that would 1.) ruin my reputation in middle school 2.) destroy a part of me that won’t come back to me for a long time and 3.) create a feeling and craving inside of me that will change the way I see myself.
My first crush in middle school was Phillip Smith. He was my height, tan and had a real good sense of humor. He had a passion for soccer and was friendly to lots of people. As I started to like him, he started becoming popular on B track and later creating an entourage full of all his closet friends. It was my best friend, Danielle, that got into the group and got to know Phillip well since they had a class together. I knew that Ally was my connection to Phillip and that she could help me get to know Phillip. Wrong. Once I told her I had a crush on Phillip she seemed cool about it but the next few months would be hell for me. It wasn’t until the next week that everyone knew I liked him. But it wasn’t until three days after I told Danielle that she had made Phillip think I was obsessed with him. Once everyone got the memo, my life shortly crumpled into small pieces. My classmates thought I was weird and that I was stalker. After all this I knew I was a loner and I’d never get to sit with the entourage. Though on the bright side of it all I made two new friends that eventually became my best friends and helped me mentally get through it all.
A couple of months after I met my best friends Sasha and Erika, I came across a guy named Luke. I got to know him really well since we had an art class together. Everyday we would talk to each other and eventually I started to like him. I remember telling him how I felt how about him one night while texting him. He seemed to have the same feelings for me and the next day during class, in the hallway, he asked me out. It wasn’t until the next two days that all of B track knew me we were dating and it wasn’t helping my reputation. Comments and questions who come our way asking why would we date each other in the first place. After about our 6th day of dating we called it quits since we both couldn’t handle the pressure. Even though we broke up I still liked him. Months passed by and we’d talk to each other every night. It was the urge I started developing, towards the end of 7th grade, of constantly texting and calling Brandon when we only talked once or twice a day. He eventually snapped one night when I kept texting him forgetting that he was at a funeral. Once I got the IM that he basically cussed me out in, my feelings for him were done. It wasn’t until the middle of 8th grade that we really started talking again and once we did it would be like old times. One time there was a point in our conversation when we started talking about our future together. We would discuss about what college we both wanted to attend and where we’d live. We also talked about what we would do after we graduated college and also starting a family. My feelings for him reappeared all over again but without having that urge since I had learned my lesson last time. We eventually dated again over the summer but it shortly ended when his mom found out and ended the both of us as a couple. That was the last time I really liked him and I had decided to just be his best friend. Today, we are still best friends but we don’t talk as much as we used to. We both go to the same high school and now and then have lunch together.
During the 8th grade I started hanging out with my friend Lillian and we would both hang out during lunch everyday at school and play soccer with a bunch of guys who were mostly Mexican. It was there that I met Mark and Ricky. Mark was a 7th grader and Ricky was my age.
My first crush out of the brothers was Mark. I liked him because he was cute and always sweet to me. Eventually I told him my feelings for him and that he had the same feelings for me. We started dating each other and texting one another everyday. As we started texting are conversation grew more intimate. We started talking about what we would if we were alone together somewhere where it was quiet. Once we really started speculating what we would do to each other I thought why not try it since I was a growing into a teen and I needed to start experimenting what certain things really felt like. So one day we decided to sneak down to the basement of the school where no one hardly went during lunch and make out. During the time of me be alone with him it was comforting and warm. We kissed and fooled around with each other. We continued this for the next 3 days. I remember feeling like I was older and proud of what I did since I finally what knew what it felt like to make out with a guy. We continued sexting each other every night and hanging out playing soccer with the guys at lunch everyday. Then things turned for the worse. As months went by we were on and off with dating one another but there was one day that I finally knew who he really was. During that time we were dating and had been a couple for about 3 days so far. It was the day that Michael Jackson had died and I happen to be texting him before the news had hit the radio that he had died. It was also the day before my 8th grade graduation and I was at the hair salon getting my hair done. Brady and I were talking about how we wouldn’t being seeing each other for a whole year since I’d be going to high school and he’d be an 8th grader the next year. I said I would miss him and cherish all the times we had together. He told me the same thing and said he had to go because some of his friends who were girls were having a party across the street. Before I said bye I asked if these girls were his neighbors. He replied saying yes and that he was dating one of them too. I was stunned and reminded him that I was his girlfriend and he replied saying not anymore and said bye. I wasn’t angry because I realized that he was a player and loved the ladies. It was the last day of being an 8th grader that I decided to wipe him from my memory since I wouldn’t see him for a year.
The whole 2 months of summer I focused on my friends, summer work and just mentally preparing for high school. I knew that all I had been through in middle school would be somewhat of a lesson I had learned early in my life.
High school who be a little worse if I didn’t watch myself more often. Though I vowed myself not to do what I did before, sooner or later the vow would begin to slowly crack.
The past 2 years many guys that I had crushed on or colored with were either friends I knew from the past or guys that I only knew since I was a freshmen. With that, I have suffered many heartbreaks and emotional pain. I am a sophomore now and still continue to color. At the moment I am not coloring and don’t plan to for however long. If you think I have lost my virginity you’re wrong.
For those who wonder what happen to Mark, he’s been back in my life for about a year now. We rarely talk and see each other at school. At times when he wants to meet me, or just text me, I ignore him to show him I have a life or that I’m not in the mood. My one and only moral is to lose my virginity when I’m married.
Over the years, coloring has taken away apart of the old me and shaped me into a different girl. I’m still the same, but the innocence in me is gone. I’ll be 16 in a few weeks and as I grow older the more I think about finding a guy and having a serious relationship with no physical emotions, just all emotional with him. And with that in mind I would have to put away my coloring pencils for good, not that I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
My lesson to teens is that you don’t have to go around and kiss guys just so you know what it feels like to be loved. Be patient with yourself. Figure out who you are and who you want to be. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve your dreams. You are born to be somebody. Let time and space create the beauty you were designed to be.