Ask A Question
I get a lot of questions submitted to me via email and this is great! I also wanted to have a more public forum where my readers could ask general questions (I will try my best to respond) or other users can answer as well. So, feel free to ask away!
{ 97 comments… read them below or add one }
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Hi Vanessa,
I just wanted to say keep up the good work! You are truly awesome and I have no doubt you will accomplish all the goals you have set for yourself. You are definitely going places! Hope to talk to you soon. Stay Beautiful, Gabrielle
thank you Gabrielle, always sending hugs yoru way = )
V
Hi Vanessa,
I was hoping to get your advice on something. My Half sister just moved in with me after living a bad situation with her parents and I’m trying to make her feel comfortable with the idea of living in LA and going to a new school. She one of those people who keeps things inside. I just want her to fell more comfortable after all thats happen. My wife Becky and I have been trying to get her to talk to us but she wont. Should we get her involved with different activites with other kids? Should we keep pushing for her to talk to us?
John
Hi John
It is so great you are trying to make her feel more comfortable here. I would not push her to open up to her, but keep trying different types of actvities and always let her know you are there to talk when she wants. here are some other ideas:
-joining a sports league (like Beverly Hills, LA city and Santa Monica all have one for baseball, tennis and soccer) These are great because it will give you something to do and usually no one knows each other.
-join a teen center (culver city has a great one, santa monica has one 02 Max Fitness) west hollywood and hollywood have a bunch and usually they are very cheap if not free, especially if you offer to intern or volunteer there in off hours–a great way to meet other people in the community.
I would contact Parks and Rec for your area and they always have tons of free teen events in the summer where everyone is out of place and away from friends. I really want to make sure you get some contacts here and meet some people who can help her feel a little less homesick.
-lasertag in LA on sat night in the valley is all-you-can-play for 21 dollars and a lot of young people go and it is such fun
-walk in santa monica along the water or bike ride and then walk the promenade, really nice in the summer and if she wants to talk she can, if not you could always play frisbee or something
-If you are brave there is a great all age salsa club called la grenada in alhambra and there are usually tons of young people and they even have a lesson before and after
-i would also recommend signing her up for an improv class or something fun she can do to meet people with or without you, the Groundlings is great for this.
Hope this helps!
Vanessa
Hey Vanessa,
Lately my mom has been having a bitchy attitude. At first i was being kind to her but then i found out from my gramma that she says that i look like a deer in the headlights and my brother and dad just yell back. I started fighting back, but that got me in even more trouble. She is a truley great mother, trust me. Whenever i want to vent to her she has to give me advice. So i calmly told her that im just venting and if she wants to give me advice dont make it so long. She started flipping out saying that im being this and that. So i started getting distant from her and not telling her my problems. She starts yelling at me because i dont connect with the family, but all they do is watch TV and i read and listen to music. Today we started talking about abusive parents. I said if my parents ever beat me up id be out of the house so fast. She said Nicole don’t ever think if i slap you that you can go ahead and pack your bags, because once you do you are staying out. I was pretty much joking through the whole discussion and i thought she would have gotten that by the smile on my face. She said im really insulted right now. So i muttered a sorry and went upstairs. She then was all happy to my brother who also commented on the subject. My brother is 4 years older than me. I’m probably just as strong as he was at my age even stronger. My mom let my brother do stuff that i cant. I brought that up to her and she said that im weak and i cant do this and that. So i yelled that she was sexist. i wanted to yell that the second its time for collage (because i will only be 17) im out of the house, all my stuff is coming with me, and im NOT coming back. But i havent because that would hurt my mom. Now i dont know if i should care about her feelings or just let my mind go and say whatever is on my mind. Please help! and fast!
Sincerely,
Nikki
Hi Nikki
This sounds terrible and very stressful, I am sure you and your mom are both upset! I find, in these kinds of relationships, it can be best to avoid another verbal argument. Those just end up in screaming fights anyway. So instead I would write her a note about all of the things you need to tell her, including what you think is unfair and invite er to do the same.
It will be a way you can get it all out, while still being nice and she will think you are being mature
Good luck!
Vanessa
hi, my son is already going to psicologist and being evaluated, but every time i find out he cuts him self i feel the need to do something drastic so he wont do it again, i’ve tried talking to him, didn’t work, so following the advise from books, experts etc. i didn’t hide razors, and stuff like that, didn’t work, i tried to ignore it, did’n work, so last thing i tried was: we traveled to shop for clothes (i was hoping he could find ways to express him self trought a new warddrobe and calm the need for attention by spending time together,also hoping that getting away and being far from everything would help) it worked for a few days, but yesterday he did it again… im so desperate, do you have any advise, any ideas?
Hi Lourdes
I am so sorry, I do not have much experience with cutting or cutters, but I do know that one of my friends who used to do it often did it when she felt most alone and overwhelmed. I think it is really good he is going to a psychologist, I think maybe trying to talk to him about what pressure he feels could be good. Also I know removing him from his environemt can be a good option on a trip with the family or a camp over spring break might help him get some breathing room.
I would try to find a cutter support group and talk to some others about what they would have wanted their parents to do in this situation.
Good luck,
Vanessa
Hello.
Just wondering if you have any advice for either my children or myself to help with our situation? Their dad announced he was gay and we have since divorced. Things are a bit messy. I am mostly concerned with my oldest boy…he is 12. Is there any other children/teens on your site that may have a gay parent? The divorce is no picnic either. The other kids are 9 & 7, both girls and a 2 yr old boy. This situation IS his normal, so not too concerned with him. Any advice would be helpful.
The oldest 2 kids do not want anyone to know about their dad, the 7yr old is pretty ok with it. I am not ok with my ex’s new lifestyle, and I mean the promiscuous side, not the gay. He has had several boyfriends and twice has wanted them to meet our kids. I am against that. When he finds “the one”, I would be fine with him meeting our kids, but until then, shouldn’t my ex just keep his life private and away from the kids? This is an issue for us, and he has brought my oldest son into the discussion by asking him if he minded if he had “friends” over. Any thoughts?
Hi Kori
None of our teen writers have a gay parent, but it is very common. My advice is that I think you are right to only have him bring over a boyfriend if it is serious, but this is the same advice I would give to a heterosexual parent. I think that keeping the rules the same for both sides will help and I think trying to find some other teens with gay parents will also help. I think there might be local groups for this? Having your kids knwo that it is normal and many other families experience this can help them know they are not alone.
Good luck
Vanessa
None of our teen writers have a gay parent, but it is very common. My advice is that I think you are right to only have him bring over a boyfriend if it is serious, but this is the same advice I would give to a heterosexual parent. I think that keeping the rules the same for both sides will help and I think trying to find some other teens with gay parents will also help. I think there might be local groups for this? Having your kids knwo that it is normal and many other families experience this can help them know they are not alone.
Good luck
Vanessa
hiii…i wanted to ask u where can i find the lyrics for ur song….
here you go:
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/12/02/the-mom-song-kids-response-humor-sung-to-william-tells-overture/
V
Hi Vanessa,
This is a video my band mate and I made for our song, “Hi Mom”, as a tribute to all the moms out there. I thought I would share it with you in case you wanted to post it on your site! We are trying to get it out to as many moms as possible by Mothers Day :).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90m7LJj4nXQ
Thanks
Grace
Hi Vanessa,
This a great website and resource for parents and teens!
I work for TeenLife Boston. We are an online resource for teens looking for volunteer opportunities, internship and job opportunities, summer programs, gap year programs, and school year activities in Greater Boston. I would love to post any opportunities and/or unpaid internships that you have for teens in our website’s Volunteer Center. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Hi Rachel
Please do submit this to us!
manager@radicalparenting.com
Thanks!
Vanessa
Vanessa,
The link to the “Mom Song” in your “Kid’s response to the Mom Song” is no longer valid. But there are several other “Mom Song” links in YouTube. It would be helpful (in my opinion) if you could change the “Mom Song” link. Loved your kid’s response, by the way!
Linda
Hi Linda
Thanks, here is the link: I will fix them thanks for the suggestion!
Vanessa
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/12/02/the-mom-song-kids-response-humor-sung-to-william-tells-overture/
Hi Vanessa! I was watching “The Mum Song” and watched your “Kids Response”…..I LOVED it! You are so clever! Anyway, I just wanted to say YOU ROCK! Any kid, especially a teenager, would be blessed to have you as their Mum! I am actually not a Mum yet but would love to be a Mum one day (I am 27, and a child care worker)! I love your whole approach towards teenagers and parents! I just thought you were really awesome, I hope that is ok! Greetings from Australia! Jess
DEAR VANESSA,
I READ THE BLOG ON TEEN GIRLS AND BISEXUALITY. MY 15 YO DAUGHTER SAYS SHE IS BI AND POSTS AS MUCH ON HER MYSPACE. WOULD YOU ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER’S FEMALE BI FIRENDS OVER TO SPEND THE NIGHT? ESPECIALLY THE “GIRLFRIEND”? SOMEHOW THIS DOES NOT SEEM ANYMORE APPROPRIATE THAN HAVING A BOY STAY OVER. DISCUSSING THIS WITH HER ENDS UP WITH ME BEING ACCUSED OF BEING HOMOPHOBIC.
Have you tried discussing it with someone else present like a counselor, therapist or other family member or close friend, this might help
Vanessa
Thanks and of course, thanks so much for reading,
Vanessa
One of the dads I follow on Twitter tweeted the following:
a teen boy i know is being harassed and threatened by a peer via text messages. anyone have any experience with this?
I thought of you. Do you have any thoughts?
Vanessa, do you have any ideas about how to help a teen boy i know is being harassed and threatened by a peer via text messages.
KT-
I would definitely report the person who is texting to the school and have the administrators deal with it or talk to their parents!
Vanessa
Okay, so I'd like to start by saying I'm not actually the mother. I'm the oldest of five and recently I've noticed my youngest sister, Lucy (name changed for privacy, 15 years age difference) has been coming to me far more than she goes to our mother. Originally I thought it was the sibling bonding thing, but recently I've been wondering about her behavior.
Things she should be talking to Mom about, she comes to me with instead, and she rarely listens to Mom or believes anything she says, but she always listens and believes me. As far as I can tell, Mom has never given her a reason to act this way. Even last year when our grandmother passed away she always stuck closer to me.
I guess what I'm wondering is why she treats me more like a mother, and our mother more like an aunt. Honestly, I don't mind that she turns to me, but I worry about her not going to our mother more. I make a point of guiding her back to Mom, but it seems to be the one thing I can't convince her of. Why would a younger sibling being so determined to change our roles of, especially when I'm much more strict on rules and much more pushy about sharing feelings. She is a pre-teen, so it seems that she is old enough to understand Mom and Mom and Sister is Sister.
This is a good question. I think you should say almost exactly this to her. Bring it up with her and see what she says about it. I would wonder if she is even aware of it?
Hi Vanessa,
I am a teacher from Hong Kong and have recently been planning a teaching unit on families and relationships. I came across your Response to Mom Song video on youtube and am thinking of making use of it for a comparison with the Mom Song.
Would you mind providing me with the lyrics of your response for the students' easy reference?
Thanks a lot!
Carl
Vanessa, I attended one of your talks in LA a couple of years ago where you mentioned seminars that you give teens on the dangers/realities of the internet. Are you still doing these seminars? We have a large group of about 18 girls (age 13) who would really benefit from your advise. Please let me know. Thanks,
they are here:
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/12/02/the-...
Cheers!
hey vanessa,
i was wondering what the lyrics were of the song ”the mom song…the kid version”
thanks!!!
Here you go:
http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/12/02/the-mom-song-kids-response-humor-sung-to-william-tells-overture/
Hello,
I appreciate the articles about boys. It is increasingly difficult to find good helpful information about getting young men involved in life and away from the TV and computer. I am wondering what thoughts you have about getting socially awkward boys out from behind the “screens” and out with peers. Thanks for the info, keep up the hard work.
Would it be possible for you to write out your lyrics to the song that you sing which is an answer to the Mom’s “daily log” sung to the William Tell Overture? Some of them are a little difficult to understand, but it is so-o-o-o cute!!!
Thanks.
Where can I send samples of our awesome new product called REMOVEEZ? Removeez is a blend of citrus oils and some homeopathic elements that clean the skin of the tough stuff like stubborn bandages, temporary tattoos, sharpie marker, ink, paint, and all the gunk and goop the kids get on their skin. It is designed for the skin by a mom and dad team and is dermatologist tested.
Hey, Vanessa
I sent you an e-mail, but i’m not sure if you have gotten it or not, so i’ll post it on here, and add in some stuff that’s also recently happened.
My name’s Victoria Cochrane and I’m 14 years old. I’m home schooled in 9th grade and I’m having serious family issues. And i was hoping that you could give me some advice.
School + family = BIG ISSUES
See, in elementary/middle school, i wasn’t very quick with my work. like i would start around 10 and finish somewhere between 8 and 11 pm. But now that I’m a freshman in High school, i have been working a LOT better, i made my schedule to work from 9:30-2:30 and work on extra work for 2 hours in the evening. I think that I’m doing pretty good, considering that i have As in all of my classes.
My whole family (particularly my mom) has been REALLY stressing me out over the past few month. I’m behind in school right now and I’m trying to finish as soon as possible, but with all the yelling and pushing that I’m getting, i know that I’m NEVER gonna be able to do it!
And I also find myself hiding a LOT from my family because they’re all like “stop complaining! you’re not a strong person!” or whatever; in my opinion, being strong isn’t bottling everything up then breaking down later…being strong is being able to talk about things to calm down. Vanessa, I can’t tell you how much of my life is hidden from my family…..they don’t even know who my favorite band is or what my favorite movie is! I’ve had to hide things like my relationships with my friends and one person who I’m in love with…I can’t tell them how i really feel about things or what my opinion is.
I’ve tried to bring stuff up to them or drop hints, but nothing works! I can’t talk to them about anything because i know that they’ll do….they’re either cut me off and start yelling, or get pissed off and start yelling, or some other thing that ends up with me just walking away and turning on music to try and calm myself. I can’t even shed a tear in front of them! If i show any little hint of crying or being upset about something my mom’s all like “aww, are you gonna start whining like a little girl!?!?” and it makes me feel even worse!
I know that they love me but when they say that they’re always there for me and i can talk to them about anything, i find it hard to believe because of everything that’s happened. It’s like they can’t remember being teens themselves.
The best way for me, personally, to calm down is through music, laughing, or just talking to someone about it….I write and make playlists and send my family songs that i hope that they listen and pay attention to, but they never do…all they say is “that’s good” or something like that.
One time i also flat out told my mom that sometimes i wanted to run away…her response? “Join the club.” that made me feel worse than i already was. I just know that if i open my mouth and say anything then I’m going to get a smart ass reply or some reply that’s going to make me feel like I’m nothing.
I’m actually afraid to talk to anyone in my family about anything because i know they won’t understand or I’m afraid of what they might say…
I just need to get away for about a week to somewhere that i know i don’t have to worry about getting yelled at or anything…just one week of escape…one week of innocence….
There’s so much more that i could say in this e-mail….so much more that I’d love to tell you. I don’t know why, but as i was writing this e-mail to you, i was slowly getting better…maybe I’m just comfortable talking to you because you specialize in this…so i gotta say…thanks….thanks for listening…
This has all actually been going on for years and I’m really getting fed up! Vanessa, please hear my cry and help me! How can i get them to just shut up and listen?
And also, what’s recently happened, is my mom’s going to take away ALL my computer privileges, cell phone, friends, and even music! She’s sending me to public school (which i don’t really have a problem with) but I just don’t wanna live with her alone! I thought of a way around all of the stuff she’s taken away, and i doubt that it’ll last more than a semester of school, but it’s still maddening! What should i do??
Hey Victoria
Thanks for reaching out and writing. I think that homeschooling can make everything so challenging because you get no space from your parents and your parents feel responsible and involved in your work. So I understand that must be super tough. I think that is the reason you want to hide stuff from them because you never get a break and they are so involved in school stuff!
I think that your parents are not taking you seriously and not understanding the depth of your upset and need for space.
If I were you I would write a letter to your mom explaining how you feel and then offering suggestions. I would ask her to have non interrupted work tiem every day and make a deal with her that if you get your work done by a certain time or date she cannot nag you. If you dont then she can. Also ask if you can visit a family member or friend for a weekend or week.
Then tell her ( I know this is hard) you would like to have a mom daughter date at least once a month which is just for catching up. This will make her feel included and be good for both of you.
The tricks:
1) writing it down very maturely so she is impressed
2) Offering suggestions to her not just vents
3) reaching out to her as well and not putting any blame on her
What do you think!
Vanessa
Hi!
I’m the girl in the purple strapless dress standing in front of a purple wall in the top photo on your blog. I was wondering if you know the photographer James. If not, how did you find that photo?
Thanks,
Grace
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you
it was on uncopyrighted images on flickr!
I am an MFT at a non-profit agency. We would like to show the “William Tell” teen version as an opening to our annual conference that honors outstanding families in our community. What can do to get your permission to use the video???
Thx
Yes!
Just email me!
Vanessa
Hey Vanessa! I just wanted to say thank you for featuring my books! I am finally getting to really look at your site, learn about you and what you do and I’m very impressed and delighted to add you to my parenting resources.
Keep up the great work and thanks again!
Amy Lang
Birds + Bees + Kids
of course! Please pass along anything you like!
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa,
So my boyfriend and I were together for like 2-3 years, we have been broken up for a year now. He broke up with me because he said we had a destructive relationship, but it was because I was bipolar (I didnt know at the time). Now, we have remained friends throughout the whole break up and I am so still in love with him. Sometimes I think things are getting back on track with him and I, but then he puts a wall up again. I like to be open and communicate, but he does NOT like to. He recently told me that he’s sick of all the talking, emails, etc. that it makes him mad and goes out one ear but he says its not ‘a personal attack of you.’ He texted me he loved me like a month ago and when i finally asked about it, he said it was a ‘cordial i love you.’ Am i wasting my time? because he is a really good friend but oh yeah i should add, we’re still intimate. So we are caring, we are intimate, our families love each other, but he just doesn’t wanna be with me. It hurts really bad because I used to be really special to him. But now I feel like he doesnt care one way or the other. Although he says we have a ‘genuine relationship.’
Hi Vanessa,
You’re doing a great job! Enjoyed the article about keeping teens busy. Question: Do you think it’s a worthwhile investment for parents to install swimming pools/jacuzzi for their teens to use with friends? Been on-the-fence about it because I’ve heard strong arguments for and against. We live in So Cal. We have three kids who would get use out of it but I’m afraid of them abusing the privilege and that it might encourage make out scenes in the jacuzzi. Considered getting a high quality trampoline but decided against it because of safety issues. Our backyard is waiting for us to make a decision. Please help!
ohhh this is a good question. Instead of a jacuzzi (very sexual) I would invest in an outdoor pool table, foosball table or ping pong table. Its lots of entertainment, still cool but a little less racy.
I love this though, great way to keep kids at home and safe but still having fun!
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